love stinks

I hate it, it's a bastard. I hate feeling this way, and i especially hate knowing that they feel the same way but are being retarded.

Retarded, that's a good word for it all.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year.

it's genetic

This was on the fridge at my sister's when I got over there today. I almost wet myself.

and he wasn't drinking...

I apologize ahead of time, as I read this story now I realize I have not done it justice, it is written terribly, and I'm sorry. It really was pee-in-your-pants-funny when it happened, but it isn't now.

Sorry, I haven't really been into story telling the last few days, I've been pissy. I'm over now though, cause... well, kids are funny.

I went to dinner tonight with my sister, brother-in-law, their kids and a few of their friends. I didn't want to go at first because I always feel young, single and boring.

Boy, am I glad I went. Ethan was funnier than ever. At dinner he kept trying to show us where he got his shot today (in the thigh) and Bubba told him he could after we were done and were outside. Well, damn if we weren't outside 10 seconds and he's got his pants around his ankles. There are like 12 people outside waiting for tables and stuff. He's just standing there in his "Batman big boy underwear"

After my sister takes him away out of embarrassment he says "WOO! It's cold outside, I'm going to wear my head." I assume he meant "hood" not "head". But hey, I'm not going to judge, you wear your head if you want to.

OH YEAH!: Merry Christmas!! I hope it was wonderful for you and yours!

I was bored, I did not reply to any of them

There are some actually good looking men out there... on... craigslist. eek.

But I have learned somethings about good looking, older, well-to-do men. There is something emotionally wrong with all of them, or they're whores. Trust me... And it only took me about 2 months to figure that out. I will miss the corvette though...

m4w craigslist postings outnumber w4m posting 5 to 1. I wonder why that is... women are chickenshits. Well, I am at least. I could never do that, I just solicit myself here, in the privacy of my own blog.

I'm still single by the way...

this one's for you sis...

Anticipated Sequels
to the Children's Book
Everyone Poops.

BY MELANIE MINZES

Everyone Lies

Everyone Hates Brussels Sprouts

Everyone Has Premarital Sex

Everyone Dies

something clever I hope

What would I engrave on my iPod????

That is a question I totally can not answer. Another one is what the hell is wrong with you? I ask it all the time, but there is never an answer.

Please help. I first need an iPod, then I need the wisdom. I'm thinking a line from fight club would do the trick, but which one...?

how am I supposed to say no to this??

All I did was pinch him... j/k. I wuv heem too much...

I never said that

My profile said I was in "telecommunications". I don't really know what job falls in that category other than phone solicitors, and I hate those people.

I changed it to "tourism", I like that better. It sounds like something an interesting person would do, right?

wanna know my favorite thing about cats?

You can throw them.

I'm staying with my brother and niece, and their mastiff and cat. The effing cat...

Everytime I turn around she's all in my grill. I can't pee without her pushing the bathroom door open. She trys to eat my hair, climb in my christmas tree, rub on my face. I can't take it...

who hates moving?

That'd be me. Right here.

I have two more boxes, a mirror, and a tv yet to move, then I'm d-o-n-e done. Yay!

I basically have my brother's house to myself this weekend too... Sadly most of the time will be spent cleaning... The fridge smells like something died in it. Something that was already dead... It's bad. I'm afraid of all the food/drink that's in there too, I have to assume it all tastes like the damn thing smells. eek.

My brother has three computers set up here... I find that odd. I know he does a lot of PC stuff for work, but I have a feeling the most use these things get is for finding a girlfriend. Whatever, everyone deserves happiness.

This one next to me is totally bad ass, by the way. I might start dry humping it. Don't tell him I said that...

me? famous? really?

I appreciate the talent/option you seem to think I have, but there is no way I'd ever be famous...

Here's why:

I am about 75 pounds too heavy

I am about 4 inches to tall

I am not really all that clever in person

I don't really want the fame, just the fortune

I would have a very limited audience which would include August, my anonymous Aussie commentor, and maybe Caryn who would be there out of loyalty...

I am very good of making an ass of myself

Everything I touch turns to coal/shit, according to anyone I know...

Although if I were living in one of those memoirs famous people have someone write I'm right at that point where everything else has failed and it's all as bad as it could be. That moment right before "the big break"... but I don't see it breaking for me.

Hey, maybe I should be one of those people they get to write memoirs... I can make up some pretty crazy shiite...

where did that come from?

I had yet another celebrity dream. I have no idea why, but it was about Collin Farrell... me and my Farrells...

I don't really remember the details, but it was basically me playing with his hair. He has great hair.

Then this morning I saw a commercial with Will Farrell talking about his hair. His own, not Collin's.

I almost did it for the first time

I almost ran away. (Yeah... you thought I meant something else didn't you...?)

Had I ever gotten my passport renewed I'd be on my way to New Zealand. Justin was thisclose to having me convinced. But I would need to get that passport and a couple of Visas for working and school, so it would take time... and a plan.

Can you plan to run away? If so, I do.

And please don't ask "What?!? Why New Zealand?" with a look of complete amazement, it's getting old. This should be enough why...





I've spent a good deal of time looking into everything about visiting and moving there. I can visit for 3 months without a visa, then 9 with one, after that I have to get a work or study visa...

I forget that America is the poster Child for "everyone is welcome" (which basically means we're cheap and easy. America is such a slut), because not everyone is welcome in NZ. In fact not only do you have to be in good health you have to apply for a letter of good character from your local police. Unless you're marrying a kiwi, then they accept the kiwi's word that you are in good character. I'm pretty sure with my sordid past I may need to hire a kiwi boy to marry me... That was not in the budget...

okay... i'll just link to this one

I can't get enough of these.

okay... just one more

one more list? or one more blog post? both...

Toddler T-Shirt
Slogans.

Acceptable

Ask me about the C-section.

More of a tit man, thanks.

Still pissed about missing the millennium.

I buried my heart at Legoland.

Waiting for Godot.

Don't let Tony Danza touch me.

Stop the war. Already.

Stunt double for Katie Holmes's baby.



Unacceptable

Property of Child and Family Services

Glad those stairs were carpeted.

Slap me if you love Jesus.

Not quite getting this whole "MILF" phenomenon.

I beheld then because of the voice of the great words which the horn spake: I beheld even till the beast was slain, and his body destroyed, and given to the burning flame.

Daddy didn't want me.

Ask me about the extra digit.

Grandma won't shut up.

McSweeney's Lists make me laugh

Jokes
Made by Robots,
for Robots.

A rabbi, an Arab, a robot, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar. Only the robot exits.

A robot walks into a pharmacy. The pharmacist asks him if he'd like anything. The robot replies, "A soul."

How do you stop a robot from destroying you and the rest of civilization?
You don't.

"Waiter! Waiter! What's this robot doing in my soup?"
"It looks like he's performing human tasks twice as well, because he knows no fear or pain."

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A robot.
Oh, shit.

What's the difference between a regular robot and a killer robot?
The gnawing jeers of men.

What's a robot's favorite cereal?
Rob-os.
(Note: Rob-os are made of the tears of human children.)

Little Susie tosses a clock out the window. A robot inquires, "Why did you do that?" She replies, "I wanted to see time fly!" The robot says, "Ah ... A perfect subject for elimination," and shoots her with a laser beam through the face.

Why did the robot order a milkshake?
To blend in with the general human population, making it easier to infiltrate society and—in time—conquer it.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven was a robot.

Businesses
That Failed
to Duplicate
the Success of
"I Can't Believe
It's Yogurt."

You Have the Audacity to Call This Yogurt?

Bullshit, Dude, That's Not Yogurt

I'm Not Prepared to Call This Yogurt

I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Yogurt!

You're Fucking Kidding Me. This Is Yogurt?

Liar! It's Not Yogurt. It Can't Be

Your Conscience Should Dictate That You Admit This Isn't Yogurt

This Isn't Yogurt, Is It? Wait, It Is? Forget It, Then

the return of celebrity dreaming

I think there is also a recurring character as well...

Zach Braff! Yay!

This time I dreamed we were on the set of Scrubs on a love seat spooning. But Zach kept rolling over and smooshing my face.

What does it all mean??