the other sarah's blog

iiiiiiiiii'm dumb...

2010-05-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

...still.

Know how you can tell if I think you're hot? I say stupid, stupid things to you.

Pretty sure that will NEVER change.

this is not like riding a bike

2010-05-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

...but it still makes my crotch hurt.

I mean, how do you come back from nearly a year? It feels weird to go beyond 140 characters and not direct this at some asshat with a stupid picture. Although, if you're reading chances are you're an asshat.

I do miss making lists though. And tomorrow is cinco de mayo, maybe that will inspire me.

no, it never gets old

2009-06-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

I will always respond when someone yells "Hey Gorgeous!" in a room.

Because they are always yelling at me.

it's never too appropriate for pants

2009-06-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I tried to snap a picture yesterday of a girl going into the bookstore wearing tiny shorts and huge bandages on her knees.

Now I'm sure she didn't need those bandages for the reason that came to my mind, but you'd think it would cross her mind too at some point.

Nobody is that naive.

do you know what i hate more than ignorant, obnoxious people?

2009-05-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

Ignorant, obnoxious people who make three times what I do.

it's actually sad how detrimental i am to my own progress

2009-05-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

I am going to share some advice with you that I have learned from hands on experience.

If you like a boy do NOT throw up in his front lawn. It will not impress him in any way...

some things never change... and i don't want them to

2009-05-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

I was sitemeter-ing myself and saw this link as some one's entry point.

I am so vain, because that made me laugh, then i wandered to other posts in that time frame and kept laughing.

I still DO love grey hair. It's actually kind of a prerequisite now. And I still love Anderson Cooper enough to turn him straight.

Anderson, we could be so happy together.

because we all know you value my opinion over any other

2009-05-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

Random Consumer Product Reviews:

Blackberry 8330 Curve:
A++ Love, love, love this thing. If you don't have one, get one.

Aquafresh Extreme Clean Whitening Toothpaste:
A++ Been using this product for years, switch when I bought the last tube. What a disaster. They should call this product "Aquafresh Ridiculously Clean". I even got props from my dentist for using it.

Champion brand cupped sport bra in black:
A. I do like using this product over the previous combo of regular bra with sports bra layered. It could use some redesigning though. Mostly so it doesn't poke out at the top giving me an oddly placed third nip. (not that there is a normal place for those)

Any tripe aired on MTV:
D. unless you are still in high school you have no business ever tuning to this station. stop it. you know who you are...

Starbucks Non-fat Latte:
A. If you are a fan of lattes and, like me, have no choice but Starbucks go ahead and go non-fat. You will not notice a difference (okay maybe the foam is a little looser, but good luck finding a barista that makes truly great foam anyway) and you will save yourself 9g of fat and 70 calories.

www.google.com/igoogle:
A+ I am not sure who doesn't have google.com as their homepage, I always have and wouldn't have it any other way. But if you have a google account try the iGoogle homepage.

Elitism:
A+ not really something you can buy, but totally worth using. Make sure to let the people around you know how much better you are than them.

I hope this has wasted a few minutes of your day. If you work for any of these companies please email me for payment arrangements.

but really, who can name the mayor of washington d.c.?

2009-05-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

This is the mayor of London. Boris Johnson.(and you're welcome, I can almost guarantee you did NOT know that before now) I follow him on Twitter along with 10 Downing Street, BBC News, and a few others you'd expect me to follow.

He went to Maddame Tussauds today and even his wax sculpture is a complete doof. The sculpture's pants are too tight and it's tie is unkempt.
Only in the U.K.

Bonus just for you: The Mayor of Washington D.C.is Adrian Fenty. You're welcome again.

open letter to the inventer of "reply to all" in email

2009-05-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you. Without you I would never be able to engange in an argument about who came up with "taint breath" first.

i still don't like maple syrup though

2009-04-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

I have to take back anything I may have said over the years about Canada. Mostly cause my brother decided to fall in love with a Canadian and I kind of like her.

...and she kind of has creative control of my brand image.

I guess I should do some counter PR right? Okay, list things I like about Canada:
...
......
.........
Braniff looks like a really nice place.
They seem to have a pretty focused and kickin military.
Slowly, everyone I really like admits to being Canadian, so...

See? It's not so bad.

still not believable

2009-04-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

I decided to just go all the way blonde with my eyebrows this time around while at the salon.

...Yeah, it's kind of weird. I look totally arian. or albino, whatever the word for it is. Maybe a little sun this weekend will help. Right now my hair, skin and teeth are all just about the same color.

tmi? probably tmi...

2009-04-10T09:04:00.001-07:00

Anticipation makes me have to pee. Did you know that?

The only time I ever wet myself as a child I was 6 and we were playing hide and seek and my sister either stopped looking for me or couldn't find me(my money is on the former, I was in the closet for christ's sake) and the thought of winning that round of the game was just too much for my little bladder to take. I am not sure if the smell or the sound of crying finally got my sister to the closet but she made sure to use my beach towel to help clean up AND tell my step mother who does not have a kind bone in her body.

Need more examples of why I don't care for people or am completely devoid of self worth?

down with the GOP, yeah you know me

2009-03-03T19:28:00.000-08:00

**WARNING** Partisan blogging in ...3 ...2 ...1.

Seriously.

I have never claimed to be political or politically correct, but the GOP is completely embarrassing themselves(itself?).

How can you wish the country to fail? "I hope this all goes to shit so they'll see they really need us"? That's a mature avenue to take when you just recently wasted your chance to be needed.

You also had your chance to sway our wandering votes back to you, I for one did NOT vote for Obama because he was half black(the other half is cracker, btw GOP) or because I was upset with Bush. You can not scream "four more years" at a guy when he can't even be re-elected again anyway then tell us you guys just lost your way a bit.... 8 g.d. years. Now you have the black version of Mr. Rodgers trying to "apply conservative principles to urban suburban hip-hop settings". Cause there is nothing rich old white guys care about more than poor black baby daddies. There is a (republican) old white guy at my office who constantly refers to my black boss as "dog". You can tell it's uncomfortable for both parties.

Don't get me wrong, I was a Republican ...When I was young and didn't know any better. And as I stated in my recent letter to Texas State Senator John Cornyn(R) "I have been embarrassed by the GOP but congratulate them on being even louder and more obnoxious with their small stake in both houses of government."

Seriously.

is there an island for people like me?

2009-02-27T08:22:00.000-08:00

I have pink eye. There's no beatting around that bush. I feel so gross. I don't even know anyone who has it so where did I get it? I am obnoxiously clean 90% of the time.

Luckily it seems to be clearing up pretty well.

cross your fingers and say a prayer

2009-02-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

I am buying Coldplay tickets this morning. If you're a long time reader you'll know why this is a big deal. If you're not search "Coldplay" in this blog, I dare you.

Forth time's gotta be the charm right?

P.S. If you are a loved one of mine, please make sure that from now until July 22nd you always double-knot your shoe laces and NO plane trips or drinking and driving. I'm serious people!

UPDATE: I just got ass raped by Ticketmaster.

do not buy

2009-02-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

tic tac chill in exotic cherry.

instead of exotic cherry they taste like peach scented soap.

wordle is fun!

2009-02-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

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I am totally digging the section between Comments and January... lol

you don't know until you try

2009-01-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

I have NEVER used the shuffle on my iPod. It just doesn't make sense to me. I have 4000 songs, what percentage do I actually listen to on a regular basis? My niece ALWAYS shuffles hers, but she's got like 6 albums, and 3 of those are fall out boy, it serves her well... I like to think I have a huge taste range for music, and it'd be impossible to mix it well.

...I got brave/curious today. There are like 5 songs I really, truly dislike, so chances are good that I'll like the mix, or at least tolerate it enough to just let it play for a few hours, right?
NO.
It started out alright, heard some stuff I forgot about and a few great songs. Then in a 20 minute span it played 3 of the songs that bug me. So I skipped them and gave it a chance to redeem itself. Bad. Nevermind.

I still hate shuffle.

they grow up so quickly

2009-01-19T08:36:00.000-08:00

Saturday was my blog's third birthday. I didn't bring it up, cause it's three, it's not like we've changed the world or anything yet. If I were any better at html code I would spruce the page up to celebrate, but... yeah, not happening.

Wow, I think Monday is a bad day to hit me up for any hint of excitement.

If you're really bored hit up the archives and see how funny i USED to be.

i don't like this seat

2009-01-13T07:03:00.000-08:00

Now, I'm not one to eavesdrop, usually even when you're talking to me I am not listening, but lately everyone walks through having insanely private conversations.

From what I've overheard, my clients are married to, and whipped by twats that spend time in the clink, and will ruin you if you owe them money.

two worlds collided

2009-01-06T14:30:00.000-08:00

McSweeney's List about LOLCATS? Don't mind if I do...

Selected Minutes
From Lolcat City
Council Meetings.
BY CHRIS STECK

- - - -

We'z on ur lawn, fynin' ur i sor.

I can haz lodin' zone?

Stait'z in r skoolz, jerrymandrin' r diztrix!

I haz angree at skaytborderz!

We'z in ur biz, surchin' 4 bak taxz.

Y r kidz duso por on standrdiz'd testz? I blaymz skoolz!

Likkr lizenz ... DNI'D!

i make me laugh

2009-01-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

I started this blog to talk about how I bought Scarlett Johansson's album, how she blows, even though I'm in love with her, and it's made me realize that I really dig Tom Waits. (look it up)

BUT I noticed in the drop down box for the title of this blog some unbelievable blog titles, so I'm distracted. If I really loved you I'd hyperlink to these blog posts, but I do actually have a job.

detox my ass
FW: stop forwarding me emails
luuuuuuuuuucy
perv
probably best kept to myself
rest in peace you sexy bastard
stalker.google.com
vanilla, or maybe not
why for to are you no humor?
yeah? well you're fat, and kinda dumb

i do it all for you

2009-01-04T16:14:00.000-08:00

I changed up the playlist for you. Well, partly for me, Client makes me sad. But anyway, you get Peaches, Massive Attack, NIN and a few others.

You're Welcome.

underqualified and underwhelmed

2009-01-04T15:52:00.000-08:00

Aside from the jobs that take degrees and qualifications I don't have I'm adding these to the list of jobs I could never have...

Waitress

Maid

Counselor (I know there are qualifications, but it's on the list because I just can't listen to most people talk about their problems)

it's '09 bitches

2009-01-02T13:25:00.000-08:00

I am NOT calling these resolutions, cause that's just not my style. But making lists sooo is.

New Years Motions:

Start actually attaching attachments to emails, especially at work.
Take fewer hits from the crack pen... NO, wait. more. MORE hits from the crack pen.
Stop using "so" so much. AND not making it so long when I do use it. i.e. "but making lists sooo is."
Revoke last year's "be brutally honest" idea. No one really likes that.
Lower expectations of people. I.Q., sense of humor, punctuality, decency, ability to bathe properly, all of it. I am not letting you bitches get to me anymore.

dedication proven by timely updates

2008-12-28T22:15:00.000-08:00

I went looking for a Word Doc and came across this. My attempt at a blog post in London. Frick I miss that place...

"20 minutes until the next train.doc"

Holy Shite I am here… well if Heathrow is here.
Current Observations of Heathrow:
Dirty
Really warm. I have more sweat on my brow now than when I left Texas.
Not as crowded as one would think
Expensive as hell to leave. “Welcome to Heathrow. Oh, you wanted to be in London? That’ll be 37 euros.”

Unfortunately I already have the lost tourist look on my face… And for some strange reason I am astutely aware of my southern drawl. It’s most unbecoming really.

two sizes two small

2008-12-27T20:49:00.000-08:00

I hate xmas. I won't even type out it's whole name this year. Thank god that's over.

On to 2009!

Xmas Eve Mantra

2008-12-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

"Don't poke my pie!"

they don't mess around

2008-12-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

My miniature edition of The 7 Habits....

That's a regular letter evelope btw.

phrase for the day

2008-12-23T11:12:00.000-08:00

I've got to see that camel toe!

blog blog blog blog blog

2008-12-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

Anyone else in love with Kanye's new song??? You should be. And it should make you think of Sarah. Who, for a girl that everyone talks about wanting, has been awesomely shut out. By the entire male gender.

**speech pattern courtesy of Karen Jarrett**

all kinds of tests of character

2008-12-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

...So I have this friend/client... He's pretty cool,totally hot but kind of a wanker. But he's got a pretty bad ass car(for a wanker). His dealership just handed me the keys and he's not here.

I have options~
Call him and let him know his baby is back.
Go for a quick spin, then call him and let him know his baby is back.(Pray I don't hit anything...)
Leave now, never look back.

Conscience: He's got vanity plates on a bright blue car, Sarah, how far could you really get?

I like that my conscience doesn't really hit the moral aspect of things, just the logistic one.

complete professionalism

2008-12-16T10:33:00.000-08:00

If you know me well enough you know I have trouble not crossing some lines... but be it known:

If you give a dress code to folow, I will push the boundaries as far as I can.

stalkable

2008-12-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

did you know you could follow me on twitter???

you can!

today sucked

2008-12-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

christmas balls.

my least favorite souvenir

2008-11-20T11:32:00.000-08:00

I forget that I didn't blog every minute of my trip. I was in a weird travel funk, I swear.

AND someone pointed out to me something that happened that makes me so NOT the bad ass I thought I was so I have to share.

I fell down the stairs at my Underground Station on my way to dinner one night. Guess when I realized I wasn't wearing any tights...

Only I could show up for a dinner date bruised and bleeding. Wait, I am a total bad ass. And I still have super cute shoes on!

i AM a total bad ass. yes.

2008-11-20T06:26:00.001-08:00

Did you know what you will find if you google "i am a total bad ass"?

Me.

Haha bitches!

ranting diatribes

2008-11-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

I think it's time for some one liners again. I love that I know some funny funny people.

"I am NOT sitting by the fan." ~My sister, drunk, sitting outside in November.

"Yeah, we're not going to be friends." My favorite elitist friend while discussing what makes us hate most people.

"You just said that where people could hear you..." Same elitist friend calling me out knowing a lame song, just before finishing the line and dancing to it.

"You need to heal!" My 5 yr old nephew's smart ass answer to my sister's "...but your lip needs to heal." To which she relpied "Your face needs to heal!"

"Yeah, I've got him under my desk." Me, to a client, when he asked if I had seen his boss... that I obviously have the hots for but should not.

"I muted it so they didn't catch one of Sarah's tirades." My boss to my other boss on a conference call with his boss. This one hurt a little.

well...

2008-11-13T11:19:00.000-08:00

I'm back. And bored again. Wtf?

On my trip someone said to me "Sarah, you need to change your world."

I think he's right.

Don't tag me, I hate that... at least make it more my taste. you know, sarcastic or something.

2008-11-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

Five Things MeMe

Rules: Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people & posts their names, then goes to their blog & leaves them a comment letting them know that they have been tagged & asking them to read your blog. Let the person who tagged you know when you've answered the questions on your blog.

10 YEARS AGO I...
1. was in 8th grade
2. was chubby and not cute
3. still thought cartoons were cool
4. had the biggest crush on a boy named brandon
5. was picked up by a cop for being out durring school hours

5 THINGS ON TODAY'S TO-DO LIST
1. wake up on time (check)
2. Start unpacking (mostly so I can get ready)
3. Go to the dry cleaners (check)
4. Dinner with my sister and the kids (yay)
5. Catch up at work

5 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE A MILLIONAIRE
1. travel as much as possible
2. wear couture
3. get involved with charities more
4. spoil my loved ones
5. not talk about money

5 PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Houston, TX
2. Oklahoma City, OK (omg Shumps, when were you there? See, small ass world)
3. Spring, TX
4. Tomball, TX
5. back to Spring, TX

5 JOBS I'VE HAD
1. retail
2. customer service rep
3. professional assistant
4. barista
5. formal banquet server (for one night)

noooooooooo!

2008-11-12T00:29:00.000-08:00

I am on my way home. At it hurts a little.

I don't really want to stay, this city is amazing, but I am worn out. I never adjusted to gmt so I am up all night and push myself through long days and magically am still not tired the next night. And everything is so rushed here.

I miss my dog.

the basta'd

2008-11-09T19:30:00.001-08:00

as promised

2008-11-09T01:38:00.000-08:00

View from St. Paul's Cathedral. (where I cried)

Me in front of Geffrye Museum. (which everyone failed to tell me was is the ghetto)

Harrod's! Hello! I wandered Men's Clothing for like... Well I'm still here. Heeellooo Burberry.

DO NOT WANT

2008-11-08T17:36:00.000-08:00

You just know they say it "Mexicon".

yep, i'm too busy to blog for you

2008-11-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

I. am. having. a. blast.

You will get pictures tomorrow. I promise. All 5 that I've taken.

London Underground: EPIC FAIL

2008-11-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

It gets an F for the evening. I have spend what feels like 17 hours on the underground today. i got stuck 4 stations from where i needed to be for a Guy Fawke's Night firework display and totally missed it. stuck for over an hour by the way, it's not like i was rushing around late. AND Wells Fargo gets a D- for pretending to have my best interests in mind. do you know how embarassing it is to have your cc declined when checking into a hotel? thank gawd my nana sent me with a £50 note, I wouldn't have been able to get on the underground.

I think tomorrow will be better. I will be at abbey road, hyde park and possibly geffry gallery.

Wish me luck.

travel plans tuesday- the ULTIMATE edition

2008-11-04T10:24:00.000-08:00

who's getting on a plane headed for London today?

me. haha bitches!

Hoppy Halloween

2008-10-31T06:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I am that clever...

wigging out

2008-10-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

I am super freaking out about my passport. Just want to tell someone who hasn't heard it yet.

The US Passport Agency just informed me that there is no record of the overnight service that I already paid for. So I am paying for it again. AND I have to call back in a couple days to make sure they get it done in time and sent back so I can receive it the DAY BEFORE I LEAVE.

FUCK.

GRAND POOHBAH OF UPDATES: IT CAME! I can stop crying now... and maybe the stomach ulcer will clear up.

super tramp

2008-10-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

This shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone, but I am having a major wardrobe malfuction today. One that could possibly embarass me and get me fired.

I'm just going to let you keep guessing what it is. (expect I will tell you it's not a nip slip)

i do not heart online shopping

2008-10-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong, I love many aspects of online shopping: the lack of attitude from sales people, the hours you can spend looking at the same few items; the price comparison options, all that rocks. It's usually after my credit card has been charged that things go downhill, at the shipping portion of the process.

Case in point: I ordered a little black dress for my trip. I would have bought it in store, but they didn't have my size. The dress was $10 dollars shy of how much I needed to spend to get free shipping. So I found a travel adapter to bulk up the order as I hadn't bought one yet. Free shipping was 3-7 business days so I still had plenty of time. Well, wouldn't you know the only part of the order they have shipped is the travel adapter. The filler!

Oh well, I still don't have a passport yet, so these things could be useless anyway. Eff me. One of these days I will blog about how well something is going for me. And that's when you'll know to call the cops because someone has murdered me and commandeered my blog.

other things i have heard women call "Nights in Rodanthe"

2008-10-10T14:05:00.000-07:00

Nights in Rhode Island
Kights of Rodanthe
Flight to Rodanthe
Roads to Dante
Rights of Osteopathy

Okay I made up the last one. Still funny though.

I'm sorry?

2008-10-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

Did anyone else notice the ads here?

'Fat Sarah'? How dare you... I have it on good authority that I am curvy in a pretty sexy way.

Okay, I'm fat, but a google ad about it? Rude.

travel plans tuesday (a day late)

2008-10-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

Did you know there were only 29 days until I am in London. 'Cause I didn't know there were only 29 days until I am in London.

Shit.

Kind of not ready. I have many things to see and do, and no sense of navigating that city. I guess my new best friend for the month should be a big map of London. Or someone with an accent.

Want to know the details of my trip? Of course you do! Who doesn't like that jealous hateful feeling? How about a post card? Will that make you feel better?

A week in London with Sarah:
A day at Tate Modern and Dali Universe
A day queing for tickets at Wimbledon
A few casual lunches on a bench is Hyde Park (and maybe a few morning runs there as well)
Sharpie-ing my name on the wall at Abbey Road
A very late Sunday evening with Client(meow) and Anne Clark
Lunch at Jamie Oliver's restaurant Fifteen
A wander through the Museum of English Interiors
And the rest of my free time spent shopping at Harrods and H&M or having coffee with the male/english/gay version of myself and the ebony to my ivory

I think my male/english/gay doppleganger might be my new favorite person. Unless I stumble across my male/english/not-gay soul mate.

bad words in print make me laugh

2008-10-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

doh!

2008-09-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

I sat down to blog and totally lost every idea I had.

question

2008-09-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

Is is difficult being so damn creepy?

ike is the f*cker. get the hat.

2008-09-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

In case you live under a rock (i.e. the northern states or any other country) we had a big f*cking hurricane.

We are getting back to normal, but parts of our city are not, and won't be able to for quite some time. I don't have power at home, nor do most people really.

It's been an interesting ride though. We were witness to a knife fight in the richest, whitest neighborhood around. We've eaten like kings. Medieval kings... by that I mean that I had nothing but meat for a week. But we suffered through the aftermath with really good sushi from the smoothest sushi master in town and free drinks hustled from actual interesting funny men. One of which was made Flora's bitch. She has also opened a wayward soul and dog shelter. Seriously, 9 people and 5 dogs in a three bedroom. Yikes.

All in all it could have been much much worse, and I know that. I don't mean to make light of anyone's tragedy, just try to see the humor in things. Otherwise I'd be the f*cker. and I am not wearing that hat.

exhibit a

2008-09-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

before ike: so pretty

during ike: our roving reporter

i was pretty productive myself

after ike: lake sonic!

i DO NOT PARTICULARLY like ike

2008-09-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

i had plans man. like tennis. and going to get my passport. and doing anything that involved NOT sitting at my parents' all weekend. now my life has to wait until next week.

oh. and all the tragedy he might bring.

bastard.

self esteem gone

2008-09-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have to post something (ANYTHING!) so that my old passport photo is not the first thing you see when getting here. eek...

I miss summer already. We had a final summer fling at my mom's this weekend and it kind of broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE winter and have a lot to look forward to, but summer is a new obsession for me. Maybe a list of things I will miss is in order...

i can't believe i promised this...

2008-08-31T16:10:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I mentioned scanning passport photos. I wanted to wait until I got the new one so that we could do a compare and contrast, but both photos sadden me. The old one is bad for the obvious reasons (someone ate sarah) but in the new one I look... special.

THEN:

NOW:

a whole world i know nothing about, but you should

2008-08-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

If you look to your right there is a fantasy football link. Obviously, I am pretty far removed from that world, but people that I love are CRAZY into it. So you guys should check it out, it's a great set up and I promise you'll learn something to totally dominate your... league(?) Again, foreign terminology to me.

See? Something for everybody. Next post will be about shoes, I swear.

karma? luck? whatever it is it hates me

2008-08-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

I was driving home this evening from an event, minding my own business when my car dies at a light. middle of 1960 (busiest effing road on my side of town). So i get out my phone and tell my friend I just left what has happened and call AAA. Turns out I don't have AAA as of YESTERDAY. We hadn't been renewed. YESTERDAY.

So a nice couple of men push my car to the gas station and jump my car. Then one of them follows me to my sister's and we part ways. Here I am. Stuck. Poor Fritz, he's going to HATE me. About 16 hours minimun he's fixing to sleep in his kennel. I don't deserve him.

So if ever you feel like the universe hates you, read this and just about every other post here and know that: even if it does hate you, it's too distracted effing with me to do anything to you.

stalker.google.com

2008-08-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

Flora and I's favorite new game is to google street view people's houses. Is that totally creepy?

Hey, the good news is, if you invite us over we'll already know how to get there.

an odd request

2008-08-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

I need a favor. I need someone to explain to me why i am in this rut. Men seem to be attracted to me physically, or attracted to my personality. Never both. I make GREAT plutonic relationships with men, always have. So why nothing in between, or both, or whatever.I am starting to wonder if there is some big fundimental flaw that I just can't see in myself. Am I too picky or intimidating or what?

**side note**
someone needs a hug. me.

i am a total bad ass

2008-08-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

I changed a tire in the rain and still looked great for work.

**It's my blog, I can brag if I want to.

i want reznor babies

2008-08-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

We saw NIN saturday!!!!

Can you tell we were kind of excited? I look so scared...

yummy... that's Trent there in the middle.

amen sister

2008-08-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

"I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone."

~Audrey Hepburn

kibbles

2008-08-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hey! It's Fritz, you know, the sexiest dog on the internet! Although this picture makes me look like Fu Man Chu...

Sarah is letting me post the Word of the Day Wednesday post. Mostly because she is not only too busy for me, but now also for you. She showed me what to do, so here we go!

kib·ble (kibel)
n.
An iron bucket used in wells or mines for hoisting water, ore, or refuse to the surface.

Wait, what? NO I meant kibble and is my favorite part of Kibbles and Bits. I love them. I love them so much! Do you have some? Can I have some? Please!?!?! I want Kibbles!

Sorry, got excited. I don't know if it's the kibbles or the bits I love the most, but they're the soft red and orange pieces. I pick them out first and leave the hard brown and tan pieces for later. She's caught on though, she leaves those until I finish the bowl. Stupid girl.

so fancy

2008-08-13T07:22:00.001-07:00

I was recently introduced to Facebook, and shortly thereafter Pieces of Flair. I was sending out some pieces of flair to friends and my grandparents started asking questions that were difficult to answer. I couldn't get them to understand the need for a Flair Board. (which, really, I don't understand the need, but I have one) I also couldn't get them to understand the Bennigans flair-Flair board correlation. I think this may help.

That is my dad's locker at work. The Baby-Boomer's flair board if you will...

what's missing here?

2008-08-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

It feels weird knowing I am a freak.

i think i know the poster boy for this

2008-08-07T10:40:00.000-07:00

dishabille \dis-uh-BEEL\, noun:
1. The state of being carelessly or partially dressed.
2. Casual or lounging attire.
3. An intentionally careless or casual manner.
4. A disorderly or disorganized state of mind or way of thinking.

Are you him?

you are going to be totally jealous

2008-08-05T11:21:00.001-07:00

I did some scouting for artists to see while I will be in London and stumbled across a glimer of hope that something (ANYTHING) could work out for Sarah. You'd be assuming at this point that I found someone that was playing while I'll be there. But you'd be wrong. I found that half my wish list is playing and I actually have to chose who I want to see the most.

Which I have already done.

Sunday November 9th think of me. sitting in an underground bar in London listening to/watching the sexiest threesome of girls on the planet.

I. am. seeing. CLIENT. live. in London. omfg.
(please disregard the previous slide back to teenagedome)

oh, and they have talent too. i forgot to mention that. meow.

bwooooop bwoop bwoop

2008-08-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

yeah, i tried to spell the siren noise. accept it and try to catch up.

anyway, the point is i feel like i need to be the fashion police lately. everywhere i go i see horrible fashion violations.

including but not limited to:
visible pant lines
blue jeans with no back pockets
windbreakers
too-short tee shirts (men and women)
work out clothes as clothes
CROCS!

oh mother focker i hate crocs. ANY venture outside of the garden in them is absolutely abominable. and should be punished. and i'm not the only one that thinks so.
for today call me five-oh.

well I'm not donating to your church now (I probably wasn't before anyway)

2008-08-04T06:39:00.001-07:00

My mom dragged me to the grocery store Saturday to grab a couple things. We had Fritz with us, but we were grabbing literally 3 things and heading out, so I left him in the car, I didn't think they'd want him in there. On our way in we were harassed by some church group about them not having an air conditioner or something...

So about 3 minutes after we are in the store some chick comes on the loud speaker with "Would the person in the white truck go let your dog have some air?!" Talk about embarassed. I mean, okay, horrible people leave their pets and kids in the car, you hear about it all the time. But I was already walking to the check out line, I mean he was okay. I did go start the truck for him, but it hadn't even gotten warm in there yet. He was just fine.

By the time I got out there a crowd had formed at the door and they were all talking about it. "I can't believe someone would do that." and "They shouldn't be allowed to have a dog."
...Let me clear something up for you. That dog sleeps IN the sheets with me. He gets a full body rub down every night before crawling into those sheets. Don't think he isn't very well taken care of. So that killed my sense of embarassment and replaced it with anger and atitude.

But to make it all better, I bought a purse to carry him around in finally. So this shouldn't happen in the future.

yeah? well you're fat, and kinda dumb

2008-08-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

Some dick just pointed out my acne to me.

I don't even know where to start...

oh holy hell

2008-07-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

I think I have a stalker of biblical proportion. Someone (unbeknownst to me) has stuck a magnet on the leg of my desk. but here's the kicker... it's a saint. I don't know which one, but it's a saint magnet. I noticed it a couple days ago moving around some boxes, but I have no idea how long it's been there.

Somebody (Catholic) is apparently concerned for my well being.

It's a guy with a walking stick and a kid on his shoulder. Any ideas? St. Christopher? Isn't he the saint OF children?

This freaks my shit out....

do me a favor

2008-07-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

don't let me drink for seven consecutive hours...

the return of confessional thursday

2008-07-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

I can't really think of anything that I don't already make fun of myself for. but I can give you a word of advice...

NEVER. EVER. Use a slotted spoon you found at my apartment. Trust me.

another one that bugs me

2008-07-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

There are a few words I just hate hearing. Add this one to the list.

succulent
Pronunciation: suc-cu-lent
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin suculentus, from sucus juice, sap; perhaps akin to Latin sugere to suck — more at suck

1 a: full of juice : juicy b: moist and tasty : toothsome (a succulent meal) cof a plant : having fleshy tissues that conserve moisture
2: rich in interest

3: grody (added by me)

Gawd, it's even worse in Latin.

take a memo

2008-07-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

A few things you might like to know:

The domain name www.findamatein2008.com is yours if you want it

Blondes do have more fun (and get called Bunny)

I host tea-thirty everyday, and you are invited!

I still love to make lists and my sister is into collages

Donations for the "Sarah need to get the fuck out of the U.S. Fund" are payable in any denomination and currency at anytime

There is such a thing as TOO much stainless steel spray. Please pass that along to the maintanance crew of Market Street

Adult men that graduate college yet reside in a college town creep me right the fuck out

Yes, this is a wrist brace on my hand. Yes, I got in a street fight. No I will not fight you next.

I used the word "fuck" twice (now three times) in this post without permission of the king

supply and demand

2008-07-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

I have had a few people get a little hostile about my not having blogged lately. So I'd like to promise that I will get back into it, but we know how that will end. Nothing but tears and more threats. I have a theory as to why the desire to blog (aka the "look at me!" gene)is gone. I have stumbled apon a sense of self worth. and it is AMAZING, you should try it.

There will be a return of Word-of-the-Day Wednesdays, Confessional Thursdays, and I am starting Travel-Plans Tuesdays!

...today. I realized a while ago that my passport expired in 2005. So I haven't been anywhere worth mentioning since then, and that's depressing as shit. Tomorrow is, for me, going to be passport application wednesday too. The plan right now is London in December for a few days and France in April for... as long as possible.

Mmmmm... I am debating showing my expired passport photo to the world. Ah, why not?
...
.........
...............?

(20 minutes later)Because it won't scan to my email. I will as soon as I can. That reminds me of when I tried to do the same thing for our resident English client... errr, friend? buddy? I can't label people lately. What are you? We'll go with resident Englishman. Anyway, all he needed was a copy of his passport and resident alien card sent to his email. Sounds resonable right? 40 minutes later I had like 17 physical copies of his passport in different sizes and zero in his email. (I have a complicated relationship with our copier.)Which led to an embarassing speaker phone story and a decline in the use of the phrase "sarah, will you scan this to my email?"

Remember when I used to make a complete ass of myself constantly. I still do, just now usually with this guy. I should have kept those copies though. You never know when a situation calls for blackmail. Watch yourself Englishman.

somethings need be kept to yourself

2008-06-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

like the fact that you love Rod Stewart. or that if you eat certain peppers your pee smells.

these are not things you tell your admin.

sieg heil!

2008-05-28T06:52:00.001-07:00

My new buddy Fritz! He looks like a total bad ass, huh?

rest in peace you sexy bastard

2008-05-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

you will be missed. and NEVER replaced.

due to recent events I am retiring

2008-05-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

1. I am now the owner of an ironing board.
2. I yelled at some kid that his music was too loud.
3. I have been car shopping lately and the key requirements are:
a. great fuel economy
b. safety ratings

This is where we all shake our heads. Seriously, there is mature... and there is old.

FW: stop forwarding me emails

2008-05-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

This is the one thing that has made me laugh or smile in the last year of forwarded emails. It is an exert from an email about improper church bulletins.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

it's got to be the camera

2008-05-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

these are some outtakes for pictures we needed to take at work. I rarely like a picture of myself (I am a woman after all)but damn... these are really bad. that last one is the best so far and it's still awkward as hell.

other things there will be in addition to blood

2008-04-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Refreshments
A representative on hand to answer your questions
No horseplay
Minor delays
After-holiday sales
An end to this
A brief pause while we transfer your call
Light
No dessert unless you finish your carrots, mister
Consequences

BY MEREDITH RODKEY AND SCOTT RODKEY

- - - -McSweeney's Lists- - - -

why for to are you no humor?

2008-04-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

My blog has turned into everything I hate about other peoples'. We are in dire need of some wit and sarcasm. NOW!

I am going to go do some shots. When I get back, we're going to funny this up a bit.

"there is something different about you"

2008-04-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

really? you don't say...

you lost the pool huh? i know, any bet before 30 yrs old was too risky.

2008-02-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

Aren't we adorable? Don't you want to hate us?

i can quit anytime i want to

2008-02-16T19:16:00.000-08:00

I just received my 5000th text message this month. From my Ian of course... Thank you qwerty keyboard!

Geez though, that's out of hand. There are still six days left of my billing period, so I am sure we'll break 6000. That is one every three minutes every day.

Wait, one every three minutes? What about the other two in between? wtf babe? Only kidding. Think of how few there will be next month. Yay!

three little words

2008-02-14T05:12:00.000-08:00

overnight video conference. :(

not what you were expecting huh? it is valentine's day, i guess i could say it.

i love you.

i google image searched "i love you"...

cockatoo

2008-01-27T13:29:00.000-08:00

Thanks for giving it a name mom.

working for the weekend

2008-01-27T13:22:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at work to cover a video conference some toolbag at centeral reservations booked for today and it hit me.

I love work, I love life.

I don't even think I am very good at it, it's not been a breeze here lately, but I am enjoying it. Actually, with recent events I should hate this, but I just can't bring myself to do that. If we (you and I) are lucky this may jump start the wit that has been missing for, I guess a year now.

hey,

2008-01-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

I like your socks.

whatever the hell that is...

2008-01-21T10:37:00.001-08:00

I had lunch at my desk, as I usually do, today. One of my favorite cleints walked up to discuss something and, with a look of disgust, asks, "what are you eating?"

I paused, looked down at my snickers bar and said "a snickers bar".

She still looked royally confused, and I didn't know what to do next, then she flips the bar over and i see this:

What the hell am I eating?